The Great White Endangered Male?

The Endangered Great White Male?

“I know who I want to talk to about this program” said my former male colleague upon our discussion of a new program being offered in our company. “I want to talk to the Head of HR because I am the most endangered person here: a while male of a certain age. I need to explain the danger of the trending of this program.”

He said it.

Out loud.

To me.

This man, whom I looked to for strategy advice, went on to further explain his concern (and technically- his strategy). “Programs like these are meant to put women and minorities’ front and center and then they pepper in a few old guys like me to make it even; but I won’t be chosen because it is a purposeful attempt to get a woman or minority into the roles. For at least, perceptions sake.”

I was shocked to hear it out loud. These feelings I had always feared were felt by my male (and mostly all white) peers was being confirmed for me and openly. To know why this is amazing you might need to know a little about me. I am a white, young, & queer female executive with a passion for D&I and creating space for the under-represented. I run a small group for women and minority leadership. My former colleague knows all this and still he is saying out loud the truth I have only worried about… that my peers really do feel this superiority and entitlement.

I wanted to drop my jaw. I wanted to scream “I knew it!” as a moment of gestalt. I wanted to argue. I wanted to cry because the reality of this was so sad and predictable. My heckles were now up, with this man I saw as a friend and confidant. I asked him if this is pure strategy to assure he gets the position or does it have any truth to it? Does he feel like he is the best candidate above everyone? If any woman or minority makes the cut in the program or a promotion before him it will be for, as he silently eludes, “hitting quotas”?

He calmly says he is the best and he has already been overlooked. Many of those who had already gotten the job were inferior to him and he would have been the better choice. He listed his experience and his success record. He then acknowledged that his downfall has been his inability to connect with the current management in a way that would posture him for the next role.

My next comment is catty but still doesn’t have the bite I wish I could give. “Maybe you aren’t as great as you think you are?” It connects, but not like the metaphorical upper cut I am hoping for. “If you are saying that men just like you with less experience, expertise, or skill have already been chosen over you-then maybe its you. Not that whomever comes next is a token pick.” He conceded a little.

If you are wondering: Yes, we still maintain a close friendship to this day. The point is this conversation was a true miracle when you think about it. I was being honest. He was being honest. We have maintained our relationship despite what I see as a severe character flaw and to him may seem like extreme naivety. Its at this marvel I had another learning moment. I felt sympathy as I realized that this man, who I see as having so much confidence, had just been so open and vulnerable to me. I am someone he expects to be adversely aligned to his opinion. Yet, he has expressed a deep held fear that his time is over and his dreams are deferred- all because his age, race, and gender. At this point, all I can think is “Welcome to our world!”

Instead, I thanked him for being so honest and open with me. I explain that I think he needs to take his viewpoint and expand it beyond himself and look at people groups in general for industry organization(s). History and the physical make up of the organizations show he is likely the most likely to succeed based on those characteristics he is now so worried about.

This identifies the chasm between us both; he can only see himself and where he is going. He is an island not part of a “grouping” in his own mind. This allows for him to experience sympathy but not easily empathy. Without empathy, I am not sure we can manage the broad views of the world we need to survive while being the people we hope to be.

I walk away with mixed feelings. But here’s what I know:

I deserve what I have earned.

(His feelings about my deserving nature are not reality).

I deserve to be at the table and part of the conversation.

(His want to be at the table does not have to exclude me. As it has been said – make a bigger table or bring your own chair.)

If I am a token pick, so be it. I will show I deserve it.

I am not afraid any longer of my gender, my queerness, my age, or my background. I embrace them and work with them. What a wonderful place to be; unafraid of who I am. I have been made to think on it, learn it, and create it. What a luxury it must have been for anyone who didn’t have to think on this or mold their reality to it. I stand on the shoulders of giants who came before me. I suggest anyone else that is in fear of the future and what it may hold; start climbing up those shoulders too. It feels full of hope up here.

*Article originally published in Mortgage Women Magazine September 2019.